Snape Parodies
by The Original Rickmaniac
Summary: Parodies starting with an instance from one of the books and ending with things Snape would never say or do.


Rickman/Snape Parodies  
  
"Riddukulas!"  
  
There was a blast of green smoke, and when it cleared, revealed nothing.  
  
Chris Columbus moaned.  
  
"ALAN!" he shouted in the direction of the dressing rooms.  
  
"I'm NOT going out there!" Alan Rickman yelled back angrily.  
  
Daniel threw down his wand.  
  
"Mr. Rickman!" he whined. "This is what, the tenth take?" He rubbed annoyedly at his fake scar. That make-up was really starting to itch.  
  
There came no reply from the dressing rooms.  
  
Columbus sighed.  
  
"Do I have to drag you out?"  
  
No reply.  
  
Columbus nodded at Daniel's father, who reluctantly hoisted himself from his chair and left the room. He returned a moment later, pushing an angry Alan Rickman in a dress and a hat with a stuffed vulture on top.  
  
"HEY!" Rickman was screeching. "It's not fair, I look ridiculous, you can't make me go out there!"He tried unsuccessfully to stop by digging the backs of his high heels into the floor. "Get your hands off me! You'll be speaking with my agent!" he spat furiously.  
  
*  
  
"Well, well, well, Mr. Potter, our new celebrity," Rickman smiled at Daniel.  
  
"ALAN!" Columbus's voice held a warning tone.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"I'm not feeling the ANGER. You HATE Daniel!"  
  
Daniel rolled his eyes. Rickman looked shocked.  
  
"What? HATE him? That sweet little kid?"  
  
Columbus was not amused.  
  
"Okay, okay," Rickman gave in. "Anger…"  
  
*  
  
"What was your head doing in Hogsmeade, Potter?" Rickman asked, eyes narrowed at Daniel.  
  
"I-I don't know, sir," Daniel stuttered.  
  
Rickman put each hand on the sides of Daniel's chair, his face dangerously close to his.  
  
"Your head does not have permission to be in Hogsmeade," he breathed. "No part of your body had perm--"  
  
Rickman's wig fell off.  
  
It took a few seconds for Alan to figure out what had happened, and when he straightened up again he was whooping with laughter.  
  
"Cut," Columbus muttered.  
  
*  
  
"What is the difference between monkshood and wolfbane?" Rickman asked with a smirk.  
  
Daniel remained silent.  
  
"Tut, tut…"  
  
Daniel , Rupert, and Emma burst out laughing.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Rickman bellowed, making them laugh harder. "That's my line, I can't help it if it's stupid!"  
  
"Well, maybe we should change it to 'pity'," Columbus suggested wearily.  
  
"THANK YOU!" Rickman cried, throwing up his hands.  
  
*  
  
"Alright, Rickman—ACTION!"  
  
Rickman burst into the Potions room, his black robes billowing.  
  
"Hullo, class," he muttered, as he stormed to the front of the room.  
  
BOOM.  
  
He tripped over his robes and fell face-down on the dungeon floor.  
  
"OWW!" he whined, rubbing his long nose.  
  
The class sniggered.  
  
Rickman got up shakily and screamed wildly, "EVERYBODY GETS A DETENTION!" He wiped his bleeding nose on his robes.  
  
"CUUUT!"  
  
*  
  
"Alright—SMACK—class—SMACK," Rickman said. "That's one—SMACK—dash of—SMACK—leech juice--" He paused to blow a large pink bubble.  
  
Columbus rolled his eyes.  
  
"Spit it out," he demanded.  
  
Rickman sighed as he spat the gum out into the class wastebasket.  
  
"CUT! Okay, try it AGAIN--" Columbus groaned.  
  
*  
  
David Bradley was bandaging up Rickman's leg, which was cleverly made to look bloody with a bit of ketchup, when the door opened. Daniel stepped in and gasped. Bradley dropped the bandages.  
  
"GET OUT OF HERE, POTTER!" Rickman shrieked. "OR I'LL—I'LL--" he fumbled for his line, "I'LL CUT YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON!"  
  
"WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, ROBIN HOOD?!" Columbus thundered.  
  
"Oops," Rickman grinned sheepishly.  
  
*  
  
"Heh, heh, that's two more for Azkaban tonight," Rickman breathed in Christian Bale's (unconfirmed) face, his wand pointed straight at his frail, tied-up body.  
  
"You'll never get away with this, Severus," Bale muttered, sweating nervously under Rickman's gaze.  
  
"Or you'll do what, exactly?" Rickman smirked. "Hit me with a…fish?"  
  
"CUT!" Columbus shouted. "ALAN, YOU ARE NOT THE METATRON!"  
  
"I was, though," Rickman pouted. "Ah, the good old days…"  
  
"Oh, dear God," Columbus huffed.  
  
*  
  
"MY CAT! MY CAT1" Bradley shrieked, tears running down his face. "YOU'VE KILLED MRS. NORRIS!" He jabbed an accusing finger at Daniel, who jumped back quickly.  
  
Rickman peered down at the cat with hawk-like eyes. He bent down, stroked her softly, and murmured, "By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged." He looked up at Daniel, Emma, and rupert, That look was all they needed—they ran, with Rickman racing after them, screaming insanely.  
  
"CUT IT OUT, LAZARUS!" Colubus spat, waving his arms hysterically. "YOU—ARE—SNAPE!"  
  
*  
  
Rickman grasped Ian Hart by the collar, his eyes burning into his. "We'll have another little chat soon," Rickman breathed, "when you've—ACHOO! Ugh, d*** face powder," he muttered, wiping his long nose on his sleeve.  
  
"Eww, Snape snot!" Hart cried, disgusted.  
  
"CUT!" Columbus yelled quickly, as Rickman lunged at him.  
  
*  
  
"SNAPE VERSUS QUIRREL, TAKE TWO!"  
  
"We'll have another little chat soon," Rickman recited, moving his face closer to Hart's, "when you've figured out where your loyalties--"  
  
"Ugh!" Hart complained, pulling out of Rickman's tight grip. "Hey, be GONE! Your breath is too STRONG!" he warbled.  
  
Rickman clapped his hands over his ears. "Not the song!" he cried. "I can't hear you…la la la…"  
  
Hart continued, anyway: "Wait, come BACK! I think you need a TIC TAC! Not a TIC, not a TAC, but the WHOOOOOLE PACK!"  
  
Columbus ran up and pulled them apart before Rickman could smack him.  
  
*  
  
"Right," Daniel whispered quickly to Emma and Rupert, "Snape already knows about the stone. I'm going down the trapdoor tonight. Hermione--"  
  
"Good afternoon," said a silky voice from behind them.  
  
Daniel jumped a foot.  
  
"Whoa, you scared the crap outta me!" he cried.  
  
Rickman grinned malevolently.  
  
"Yesh, I am very scary," he agreed.  
  
Rupert raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I am the scary, evil Potions Master, muahahaha!" Rickman cackled, waving his wand about insanely.  
  
"CUT!"  
  
*  
  
"Hullo, class," Rickman recited, staring around the dungeon at his students. "I'm Alan Rickman, and I will be your potions teacher this ye--" He stopped when he noticed Columbus staring at him sadly. "What?" Rickman demanded.  
  
"Your name is SNAPE! S-N-A-P-E! SNAAAAAAAPE!" Columbus screamed, spit flying from his mouth.  
  
"Ah, yes," said Rickman thoughtfully, "I guess I forgot for a second…"  
  
"Oh, Lord, have mercy," Colubus begged the ceiling.  
  
*  
  
"POTIONS CLASS, TAKE TWO."  
  
"Hullo, class," Rickman said with a fake Scottish accent. "I'm Professor SNAPE, and I--"  
  
"DROP THE ACCENT; SNAPE ISN'T SCOTTISH!" Columbus bellowed.  
  
"Oh, man," Rickman sighed, "I thought it sounded cool…"  
  
"What did I do to deserve this?" Columbus asked nobody in particular.  
  
*  
  
"FASTER, FASTER1" Columbus roared as Rickman ran furiously on a treadmill beside him. "COME ON, WE CAN'T HAVE A FAT SNAPE, NOW, CAN WE?!"  
  
Rickman grunted in reply.  
  
"You don't want me to bring out the fan girls, do you?" Columbus threatened.  
  
Rickman's sweaty face broke out in a look of pure terror.  
  
"No, not the fan girls!" he begged. "Please, anything but the fan girls!"  
  
Columbus smirked and nodded to Radcliffe, who disappeared into a back room and returned a moment later accompanied by three hyper, teenage cheerleaders.  
  
"COME ON, ALAN, YOU CAN DO IT, PUT A LITTLE POWER TO IT!" they cheered, waving their pom-poms. "GOOOO SNAPE!"  
  
Rickman hopped off the treadmill and hobbled in a drunk-like fashion to the water fountain, the fan girls giggling madly.  
  
"How much are you paying me for this, again?" he asked Columbus groggily.  
  
*  
  
"Good afternoon, class," Rickman mumbled. "Today we will be studying--" He clutched his stomach and screwed up his eyes in pain as his stomach gave a nasty rumble. "Oh!" he groaned. "Is it time for lunch break yet?"  
  
"No, Alan," chorused the class and the directors.  
  
Rickman whimpered.  
  
"Come on, just one more scene," Columbus coaxed.  
  
"Okay, one more scene, just one more scene…" Rickman repeated.  
  
*  
  
"Ugh," Rupert moaned, "do you know what that--"  
  
"RON!" Emma hissed.  
  
"—is making me do? Clean out the--"  
  
"CUT, CUT, CUT!" Rickman announced, running onstage.  
  
"What is it NOW?" Columbus sighed.  
  
"Does he--" Rickman jabbed a finger at Rupert, "—REALLY have to call me that?" he spat.  
  
"Um, ya," Columbus replied flatly.  
  
"WHY?!" Rickman screamed.  
  
"Hm, let's think," said Columbus sarcastically. "Maybe because you're a poopy, fart-bubblish teacher."  
  
Daniel snorted.  
  
"Well," Rickman said haughtily, tossing his fake greasy hair. Emma giggled. "And all I ever did was save HIS life." He glared at Daniel, turned on his heel, and walked offstage.  
  
*  
  
"Potter, what's that trash you're reading?" Rickman barked, pulling the article out of Daniel's hand. He read the title and smirked. "Harry Potter's Secret Heartache," he snorted. "A boy like no other--" Rickman broke out into a mad fit of giggles.  
  
"Alan," Columbus warned, as Rickman continued. And then,  
  
"'She's really ugly,' says Pansy Parkinson, 'but she'd be well up to making a Love Potion, she's quite brainy!'" Rickman guffawed so hard, he fell over and his face landed right into Neville's cauldron. "HA HA!" he burst as he straightened back up, his face now covered in a thick, green gloop.  
  
"I am NOT ugly!" Emma screamed.  
  
"CUT!" Columbus said hurriedly.  
  
*  
  
"Dumbledore happens to TRUST me," Rickman growled.  
  
"He's a trusting man, isn't he? But there are some spots that never come off, Snape…"  
  
Rickman fell to his knees, clutching his left arm. "Oh, the Dark Mark!" he wailed. "It BURNS! It BURNS!" He wriggled madly around on the floor, screaming.  
  
"Cut!" Columbus called between bits of laughter. "A bit overacted—that was funny, though," he admitted.  
  
*  
  
"SERPENSORTIA!" Ton Felton bellowed. There was a terrific bang, and a long black snake erupted out of the end of his wand.  
  
"EEP!" Rickman squealed, jumping onto a chair and dancing around on his tiptoes nervously. "SNAKE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" he cried dramatically.  
  
Columbus rolled his eyes. 


End file.
